I'm paranoid, self-destroyed...

What do you do when the psychosis takes over? Ignoring it doesn't make it go away - it makes it worse. Diving into it is even worse than ignoring it. Medicate it? Isn't that just covering up the underlying issue? Catch-22. So I cope. As best I can. Hold onto sanity by a thread, watching it fray as it swings me to and fro. But what happens when that thread finally snaps? Do I just fall silently into the waiting abyss? Do I go screaming? Do I take anyone down with me? See, if I tell you there are voices telling me I'm no good for anyone or anything, y'all will think I'm crazy. Well, maybe I am. But it's not necessarily "voices" voices... it's my own inner-self-destruction mechanism. That inner hate and despising. That part of all of us that says the negative - but mine isn't just saying it. It's screaming it. I can't ignore it. It's taken too firm of a hold. Can anyone else hear these voices shouting at me? I sometimes wonder... So I try to focus on something, ANYTHING, else than my own mind. Music is always good - I can lose myself in it. Music can lift me up and calm me down. So, yes, I turn to music. But then a song will come on that threatens to push me over the edge - because it hits just a little too close to home. Like Weaknesses by Blue October.

My weaknesses, Rear their ugly faces on a day to day basis. Stay calm and try to see this, I'm always sensitive relaxing, always delicately asking. But I can't seem to fly away, I'm feeling small, tall and sick of it all, and all I want to do is crawl. You...fly alway, I'm feeling small, tall and sick of it all, and all I want to do is say... How to cook up pride? If you lemon your behavior it will side a different flavor. How to change my mind? If you break apart the candy, gently slip it in my brandy. But I can't seem to fly away. I'm feeling tall small and sick of it all, and Esti says that it's my calling. Fly away. I'm feeling tall small and sick of it all, and I want to do is say... Hold your candle high. If they jeopardize your meaning, you must strike upon their ceiling. If I'm right then who am I? Well I am simply just the candy, that you slipped within my brandy

Any other time I would turn to Blue for comfort. I can't right now - it's too much. Too close to the truth. Especially when what I want is to throw myself "into the ocean, end it all." Bad, no? I'm hoping writing about it will prove to be cathartic, ground me... I turn to love, but even that seems to have ripped me apart. Where do I turn? Who do I turn to?

Sometimes I feel like weeping Awake and when I'm sleeping Perfecting how to put a game face on.

Originally posted at Falling Into My Own Sarchasm and cross-posted here.

Thank you, Hurricane Bells fans!

Steve and Hurricane Bells have reached their goal!!! A HUGE thank you to everyone who pledged to help out this amazing music and such a great charity, to boot! Steve - I'm so proud of you and I can't wait to hear the new album. Congratulations!!!

Originally posted at Falling Into My Own Sarchasm and cross-posted here.